I walked in, sat down and started chatting. I didn't feel like anyone was staring at me judging my appearance. I didn't sit quietly and wait to see if anyone would speak to me. I didn't look down at the table and avoid making eye contact. I sat tall, engaged, asked questions and added to the conversations...and I was comfortable and had a great time.
I have had anxiety as long as I can remember. It has been lurking around my entire life. As a child and teenager I remember feeling panicked about everything. I felt like I didn't have intelligent or important things to say. I listened to people talk around me but rarely spoke up. I was uncomfortable in the clothes I wore and always felt fat and ugly. I covered myself in a towel and would scurry to the pool as quickly as possible so no one would see me in my swimsuit...at probably 8 years old. I was afraid to answer questions unless I was absolutely certain I knew the right answer. Speaking out loud and being incorrect made me want to cry. I can even remember as a very young child being very bothered if we pulled up to a red light and someone in the car next to us glanced in my direction. I was certain that person in the other car was looking at me because I looked strange.
As I grew and aged I got much better at pretending I did not feel these things. If I met a new person they probably thought I was very normal and perhaps even confident. I was an excellent faker. But it was all a facade. While I smiled and asked questions to a new acquaintance I was running through a list in my mind of what they might be thinking of me. Did I sound smart? Did I have on enough makeup to cover my bad skin? Did they like me? How much longer could I act "normal" before I needed to go in the bathroom to take a few deep breaths?
I certainly still have my share of anxious feelings. I think it is a given being a mother. But last night, I was so proud of myself. I was not thinking those things. I ENJOYED talking to new people. I liked them. And I think they liked me.
Baby steps.
What a great, honest post, Kristy. Know that you are not alone in those feelings!
ReplyDeleteKristy,
ReplyDeleteMom gave me the phone and told me to read your post. She was crying and said she couldn't read it to me. I understand why. It breaks our hearts to realize that you have suffered in silence with this. We are both upset that we did not recognize your issues when you were little. You came by it honestly. I have struggled with the same problem all my life. Why do you think I hated crowds, parties where I didn't know anyone, hated to have to dance. Anything that put me in the forefront was difficult. I always felt that other guys were laughing under their breath. As one of the other posters said, it gets easier as you get older. You are a beautiful, smart, caring person, and your mother and I could not be more proud. When you get my age, you pretty much don't give a damn what anybody thinks. In fact, if I new your mom wouldn't leave me I would start wearing overalls...with no shirt.
Love you, Dad
I love this post. I never would have guessed this about you. I share all of these feelings and still struggle with them nearly every day. I love your blog and your honesty!
ReplyDelete