Lazy Ass

I am always reading articles in magazines, seeing posts on Facebook and hearing people ask, "what do you do all day as a stay at home mom."  So instead of defending my point and getting into a deep philosophical debate about it I thought I would straight out tell you what I do all day:

- Get up and feed the kids breakfast. 

-dress myself in workout clothes, put up my hair and brush my teeth ...beauty routine

- Hassle oldest child to hurry up and eat because we need to leave while I throw all of his mess into his backpack

-flop down on my bed for a few moments of fake sleep while said child finishes breakfast. 

-Ask oldest child to put on shoes and listen to the next five minute rant about why he doesn't like his tennis shoes and why does he always have to go to school  and when can he make all the rules. 

-drive to school to drop off child, deliver potato salad for the teachers luncheon and put our stuffed bunny into the donation box for sick children while oldest son complains that it is not fair that he didn't get a stuffed animal. 

- drive home and again plop face down in an attempt to fake a few more moments of sleep. 

- chase, catch and then wrestle youngest child to the floor to dress and put on shoes. 

- spend five minutes negotiating with and bribing child to get in the car

- drive to school and drop off lunatic #2

- drive to gym and try to cram an hour long workout into 30 minutes

- leave gym and head to grocery store where I proceed to speed shop for a weeks worth of food. 

- drive home, unload groceries, put groceries away, put in a load of laundry and move the load from yesterday to the pile on the floor. 

-clean up breakfast mess

- get meat for dinner out to thaw and chop vegetables needed for the recipe

- turn on shower but then sit down naked on the vanity bench and check Facebook 

- shower, get dressed and put on some makeup

- grab random baggies of leftover from the refrigerator, shove them in your mouth and call it lunch. 

- drive to cvs to pick up prescriptions

-argue with the pharmacist about the $4 i should actually be paying vs the $50 they are charging

- wait 10 minutes while she checks with the head pharmacist. Pay $4 and leave

- drive to pickup littlest man and call girlfriend in the car. Complain about errands and annoying children then talk about the perfect house/body/children/wardrobe we want. 

- pick up youngest and take him home

- talk about his day, the good the bad and the ugly. Play dinosaurs.

-Move the wet laundry to the dryer. 

- spend 5-7 minutes letting child decide what he wants for a snack in the car. Finally get frustrated and pick up a package of goldfish. Child starts screaming in protest while you drag him by one arm to the car. 

-drive to oldest sons school and park in the insanely long pick up line. 

- pick up son and listen to the proceeding explanation of what went wrong, what went really wrong and can he have a lollipop

-get home and carry 523 pounds worth of kid equipment into the house while they scratch at my legs and beg for snack. 

- serve snack but immediately start the time warnings that we have to leave for soccer in 10 minutes. 

- spend next 15 minutes putting the godforsaken soccer gear on the big child. 

- load soccer gear, snack, iPads and water into car. 

- scream at children that they will get a spanking if they don't get in the car right now!

- drive to soccer while trying to block out the whines about how mean I am. 

- play iPad games with the little while the big attempts to play soccer for 55 minutes

- load crew and equipment back into car. Then begins the complaints about what gross things I am probably making for dinner and why can't we go out to eat

- arrive home and plop children in front of the electronic babysitting box

- cook dinner and set table while attempting to time it right so it we be hot when husband arrives home

- husband and I eat dinner while our children whine and complain about the disgusting meal I cooked. On some extra special nights vomiting on the table is included. 

- send husband and children upstairs to play

- clean the kitchen and wash the dishes for the next hour in relative silence with the males upstairs. Walk around the house and try to clean up any messes that involve bodily fluids or may attract ants. 

- hide in my room if I finish early 

- baths, reading, brushing, praying and then it's whack a mole bed time. 

-when they are finally asleep I have zero motivation left to do anything...oh but there is more

- spend the next 30-60 minutes working on our home business paperwork

- wash my face and lay on the couch with my hub feeling so tired and ready for sleep. 

- body refuses to sleep so I write

...morning again...

So how does it sound people?  Yeah, I guess I AM a big lazyass!

Pretty Sure I Cannot Offend Anyone With This

It is another one of those nights where I am super tired but cannot sleep. We had a full day of spring (un)break activities and have another one set up for tomorrow so I should really be catching some z's. But alas...I am awake.

Instead of thinking about all the things I need to do/should have done today/didn't do today/will have to do tomorrow, I am thinking about my friends. There is no doubt that I have a wonderful family, my husband is a superstar and my sons are my biggest blessings...no question there. But I rarely thank my friends for their important roles in my life. They each contribute something irreplaceable to my life.

I have the friend who is my mommy mentor. She was a mommy before and with me. She amazes me with her ability to juggle all her children's schedules and activities while also taking such good care of herself. She is healthy and strong and the original supermom friend I've had.

I have the friend who is not a mommy yet. She will be. It's her destiny. She is such a damn hard worker and puts her complete self into whatever her task of the moment is. She has been through some awful, stinky, unfair things and she has emerged on top and ready to kick ass. She is funny, emotionally strong, dedicated and the most loyal friend I have.

I have the friend who is the mommy I know will always make me laugh and will never be offended by my rude language or snarky comments. She makes me feel incredibly comfortable to be myself and does not judge me. She is smart, observant and honest. She is also HILARIOUS!

I have the friend who I love and hate at the same time. I love her because she is kind, supportive and a generally happy person to be around. I hate her because she is a complete knockout and has the patience of a saint with her children. She is uplifting, easygoing and real.

I have the friend who cannot be shocked by anything. I can freak out just about any person on the planet with stories from my boys...but not her. She has a stomach of steel and she can outdo any level of weirdness/grossness/ inappropriateness etc. She is so secretive about the unpleasant things going on in her life that you would never know there was something upsetting her. She is steadfast, amazingly generous and creative.

I have the friend who is the most accomplished professional woman I know. She has worked her tushie off to get to the level she has reached. She is a genius and somehow still so gentle and loving. She will talk circles around you and disprove your point with interesting facts and figures and will then hug you and schedule to take you to dinner on her way out. She is feisty, brainy and so giving of her affection.

And these are just a few of the incredible friends I have. How on earth do I deserve these friends? Thank you Lord for bringing these women into my life. Thank you for giving me such a variety of amazing women to guide me, support me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, set me straight when I need it and point me in the right direction when I stray.

Can't Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping yet again (damn ambien restrictions) and am scrolling thru the pictures on my phone from the past year. 

A lot of playing, a lot of fighting, a lot of messes, a few injuries (and several near misses) an absurd amount of nudity and a whole lot of cuteness. So here is what our life looked like in 2014:

So I guess that is what you call beautiful chaos. 

Kindergarten Time

I just tucked Connor into bed for the last time as a non-school aged child. Ever. It is crazy to think about. Most of my friends are weepy and sad that their little one is all grown up but I am not. No. I am happy and excited and relieved. Despite our biggest fears, Chris and I have managed to raise a child to school age without permanently damaging him...with the exception of a few scars and a slightly irrational fear of watching Sponge Bob. We didn't suffocate him by letting him sleep on his stomach at six months old. We didn't drown him by looking away for three seconds while giving him a bath. We didn't lose him at the mall. We didn't even break his neck by letting him jump on a trampoline!! It is amazing! Not only is he in one piece, but he is sweet, smart, funny and loving. He tells people tidbits that he finds interesting. He comforts friends when they are sad. He crack jokes that are way too mature for him to understand. He has never met a stranger. He is awesome.

So I am not sad that he is starting Kindergarten in the morning. I am happy and so proud of my little man and I can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve next.

Our Recent Happenings

Charlie showing me that his teeth are already clean so he therefore does not need to brush them. 

Tell me how you REALLY feel about it Charlie. 

The stains that haunt my nightmares. How do you clean this?!?!

Charlie's new favorite trick is locking Connor and me out of the house and then taunting us. 

They take dinner time water safety very seriously. 

The potty training dance. 

Connor back from his first weekend camping trip with Dad. Bruised, battered and dirty. 

Charlie loved his new under roos

But first, let Connor take a selfie

Long Time No Post

At one point I was writing several blog posts each week. Then I went down to one. Now I am having trouble coming up with just that. I have always used this blog to turn my frustrations into humor. It helps me not take everything so seriously. The problem right now is that I am struggling to find the humor. No matter how hard I try, I cannot turn difficult days into laughs. 

I know that I have a great life. I am privileged and spoiled. I honestly believe that no matter how fortunate your situation, everyone falls into what I call "the funk." For me, my life's emotions are somewhat of a cycle. There is contentment with occasional bursts of extreme happiness. Then the irritations become a little harder to deal with and the sublime moments are fewer. Then comes the just make it thru the day period and then...the funk.  I have always been able to slap myself out of the funk after a period of time, sometimes with the help of others and sometimes by my own realization that life is not always champagne and roses and that I need to make the best out of things. 

I have been trying to dig my way out of this funk for longer than usual. The thing that keeps pulling me down is...well...my children. My fuse is getting shorter and shorter with them and I feel like their behavior continues to get worse. And since I am in the funk I don't have the determination to straighten them out. Instead I want them to just leave me alone and figure out how to be civilized humans on their own. 

I know this is ridiculous and unrealistic. But it is how I feel. My prayers right now are almost always "God, please show me how to be the mother that these boys need. Give me patience, kindness, steadfastness. Help me control my temper and help me find an outlet for my frustration. Help me get out of the funk."

I don't expect to be happy all the time. I don't think anyone's life is like that. I want for my contenent phases to be longer and to have more bursts of bliss. I want the rest of my emotional cycle to be shorter and I want to deal with it in a more constructive way. 

I hope I start finding the humor again soon. 

Toddler Village Inc.

About three months into motherhood I began planning and designing my genius business idea,  Toddler Village Inc. I have added thoughts and features as the years have passed by and this weekend I think I may have perfected it. You see, this weekend I decided to start potty training Charlie. This means having a naked tazmanian devil peeing on things.

Toddler Village Inc. is housing communities scattered throughout the country designed specifically for families with small children. The homes can be rented long term. The idea is that you live in these homes while your children are in their grossest, messiest, most cleaning intensive years.

Each house is child proof. I don't mean outlet covers child proof, I mean indestructible child proof. The house is fully furnished and stocked and nothing can be moved no matter how hard you Hulk Smash into it. Every room is soundproof (but you can turn the soundproofing off with the flip of a switch in case you are one of those crazy people who likes to hear what your children are doing.) This is a home where Connor and Charles Bass could live for three years and not break anything expensive, not drive me bonkers with noise and not stain anything. I'm telling you it is genius.

Most rooms are completely stainless steel with a slightly inclined floor with a large (but not large enough to fit a child) drain in the middle. Optional water tight wall padding is available for those with more “spirited” children aka me. There is no porous surface on the entire property. Anything electronic is bolted down and enclosed in bullet proof glass. The ceiling of each room is equipped with two sprinkler systems. One sprays straight bleach and the other pure water. At night, you shut the door to each room, flip a switch and the magic house goes to work. First bleach is sprayed on everything including the furniture because remember, even the cushioned surfaces are not porous. They are covered in vinyl...think high school wrestling mat. After everything is sufficiently disinfected the water sprinklers wash everything off. All the nastiness of the day is washed down the floor drain and gone from your life forever.

The yards have sprayers that dispense bug spray and sunscreen onto your children automatically. There are no trees to climb on (or fall off of), no flowerbeds to be destroyed and the grass is a natural looking but completely artificial turf.

Doesn't it sound like absolute bliss?

For an additional cost you can purchase the “Parent Getaway” package. This includes a secret entrance into the master bedroom with a fingerprint lock. There is a long passage from the door to the actual room so even if a child is banging on the door you cannot hear it. Since no children will be allowed to enter this room it has real linens, a plush mattress, a television that can be tilted and adjusted and comfy bath mats on the floor...since no one will pee on them.

I am ready for investors!