Toddler Village Inc.

About three months into motherhood I began planning and designing my genius business idea,  Toddler Village Inc. I have added thoughts and features as the years have passed by and this weekend I think I may have perfected it. You see, this weekend I decided to start potty training Charlie. This means having a naked tazmanian devil peeing on things.

Toddler Village Inc. is housing communities scattered throughout the country designed specifically for families with small children. The homes can be rented long term. The idea is that you live in these homes while your children are in their grossest, messiest, most cleaning intensive years.

Each house is child proof. I don't mean outlet covers child proof, I mean indestructible child proof. The house is fully furnished and stocked and nothing can be moved no matter how hard you Hulk Smash into it. Every room is soundproof (but you can turn the soundproofing off with the flip of a switch in case you are one of those crazy people who likes to hear what your children are doing.) This is a home where Connor and Charles Bass could live for three years and not break anything expensive, not drive me bonkers with noise and not stain anything. I'm telling you it is genius.

Most rooms are completely stainless steel with a slightly inclined floor with a large (but not large enough to fit a child) drain in the middle. Optional water tight wall padding is available for those with more “spirited” children aka me. There is no porous surface on the entire property. Anything electronic is bolted down and enclosed in bullet proof glass. The ceiling of each room is equipped with two sprinkler systems. One sprays straight bleach and the other pure water. At night, you shut the door to each room, flip a switch and the magic house goes to work. First bleach is sprayed on everything including the furniture because remember, even the cushioned surfaces are not porous. They are covered in vinyl...think high school wrestling mat. After everything is sufficiently disinfected the water sprinklers wash everything off. All the nastiness of the day is washed down the floor drain and gone from your life forever.

The yards have sprayers that dispense bug spray and sunscreen onto your children automatically. There are no trees to climb on (or fall off of), no flowerbeds to be destroyed and the grass is a natural looking but completely artificial turf.

Doesn't it sound like absolute bliss?

For an additional cost you can purchase the “Parent Getaway” package. This includes a secret entrance into the master bedroom with a fingerprint lock. There is a long passage from the door to the actual room so even if a child is banging on the door you cannot hear it. Since no children will be allowed to enter this room it has real linens, a plush mattress, a television that can be tilted and adjusted and comfy bath mats on the floor...since no one will pee on them.

I am ready for investors!