On an average night about 12:30 am you
will either find me tossing and turning in my bed trying not to wake
my husband or up sitting on my couch. Sometimes while I am on the
couch I am typing in my journal/blog.
People joke all the time about how they
are tired all day long and then when it is time to go to bed they all
of the sudden have a burst of energy and cannot fall asleep. I call
this my midnight second wind. I have to peel myself out of bed in
the morning and start guzzling coffee. At any point in the day, I
could fall asleep if I sat still for two minutes. I have fallen
asleep in the waiting room at my sons occupational therapist, on the
exam table at my own doctor, while listening to my husband or
children talk. I have even fallen asleep on the toilet. But the
second my head hits the pillow my brain kicks into overdrive.
I start thinking of all the things that
I needed to that day that I didn't get done. I start coming up with
great ideas of how to streamline life and make myself more efficient.
I start thinking of all the scary, awful things in this world and
how I am going to protect my children from them while still teaching
them that these awful things exist. I start going through all of my
parenting mistakes from the day and worrying that I have scarred my
children by yelling at them when they refuse to do anything that I
ask. I start replaying social interactions that I had during the day
and second guessing things that I said. I wonder if I actually could
have lasted longer on the treadmill today and yes I could have so I
will need to jog longer tomorrow and stop being such a wuss. I think
of EVERYTHING. Inside the mind of a person with anxiety, my friends.
I have always wondered why this
happened to so many of us. I don't remember having my midnight
second wind until after I had children so my conclusion is that those
little hooligans are responsible for my lack of sleep. They are so
needy all day (especially in the summer when they are home ALL DAY)
and are constantly asking something of me. Can you get me a drink?
Can I play ipad? Tell Charlie to leave me alone? Will you scratch
my back? I need a band aid. Can you come outside and knock down
this wasp nest? It is ALWAYS something. On the rare occasion that I
am able to get them occupied with something that does not require my
assistance (usually TV, ipad or video games) I start trying to rush
through whatever chore I need to get done as my guilt about letting
them play with said ipad or video game starts to creep in.
So the point of all this is that all
day long there is so much noise in my head. I hear children, self
inflicted guilt, to do lists etc. Throughout the day, even if I
happen to be alone, my head is too cluttered to think about any of
the things that pop into my brain during my midnight second wind. My
children go to bed by 8 and my husband not until 12. So when the
house is finally, truly quiet it is late at night. I can sit on the
couch and hear only the clock ticking on the mantel and the slight
hum of the refrigerator. My mind is finally quiet and my body is beginning to
relax. Enter my midnight second wind.
