My Midnight Second Wind

On an average night about 12:30 am you will either find me tossing and turning in my bed trying not to wake my husband or up sitting on my couch. Sometimes while I am on the couch I am typing in my journal/blog.

People joke all the time about how they are tired all day long and then when it is time to go to bed they all of the sudden have a burst of energy and cannot fall asleep. I call this my midnight second wind. I have to peel myself out of bed in the morning and start guzzling coffee. At any point in the day, I could fall asleep if I sat still for two minutes. I have fallen asleep in the waiting room at my sons occupational therapist, on the exam table at my own doctor, while listening to my husband or children talk. I have even fallen asleep on the toilet. But the second my head hits the pillow my brain kicks into overdrive.

I start thinking of all the things that I needed to that day that I didn't get done. I start coming up with great ideas of how to streamline life and make myself more efficient. I start thinking of all the scary, awful things in this world and how I am going to protect my children from them while still teaching them that these awful things exist. I start going through all of my parenting mistakes from the day and worrying that I have scarred my children by yelling at them when they refuse to do anything that I ask. I start replaying social interactions that I had during the day and second guessing things that I said. I wonder if I actually could have lasted longer on the treadmill today and yes I could have so I will need to jog longer tomorrow and stop being such a wuss. I think of EVERYTHING. Inside the mind of a person with anxiety, my friends.

I have always wondered why this happened to so many of us. I don't remember having my midnight second wind until after I had children so my conclusion is that those little hooligans are responsible for my lack of sleep. They are so needy all day (especially in the summer when they are home ALL DAY) and are constantly asking something of me. Can you get me a drink? Can I play ipad? Tell Charlie to leave me alone? Will you scratch my back? I need a band aid. Can you come outside and knock down this wasp nest? It is ALWAYS something. On the rare occasion that I am able to get them occupied with something that does not require my assistance (usually TV, ipad or video games) I start trying to rush through whatever chore I need to get done as my guilt about letting them play with said ipad or video game starts to creep in.

So the point of all this is that all day long there is so much noise in my head. I hear children, self inflicted guilt, to do lists etc. Throughout the day, even if I happen to be alone, my head is too cluttered to think about any of the things that pop into my brain during my midnight second wind. My children go to bed by 8 and my husband not until 12. So when the house is finally, truly quiet it is late at night. I can sit on the couch and hear only the clock ticking on the mantel and the slight hum of the refrigerator. My mind is finally quiet and my body is beginning to relax. Enter my midnight second wind.